What Love Feels Like to Me

It is messy, confusing, and sometimes quiet

Love, to me, is… complicated.

It’s not clean. It’s not pretty.

It’s thinking about someone too much, and also wanting to avoid them.

It’s wanting to talk and also being scared of saying the wrong thing.

It’s noticing the little things they do and getting annoyed at them at the same time.

It’s remembering that thing they said months ago and feeling happy and hurt all at once.

It’s wanting them close but also wanting to protect yourself.

Sometimes I don’t even know if it’s love or just… attachment.

Sometimes I think I am just scared of being alone, or maybe I just like the idea of them.

And that thought makes me feel guilty.

Love, to me, is awkward.

It’s overthinking texts I sent three days ago.

It’s imagining things that probably will never happen.

It’s wondering if they feel the same way or if I am just losing my mind.

It’s messy because it’s not always exciting.

Some days it’s just quiet and I hate that quiet.

Because quiet makes me notice my own feelings too much.

It makes me wonder if I care too much or not enough.

It makes me realize I have no idea what I’m doing.

Love is confusing.

It’s giving more than I want and holding back more than I should.

It’s being vulnerable and regretting it right after.

It’s wanting someone and also being frustrated at them.

It’s jealousy, guilt, hope, fear, all at once, sometimes in one sentence.

And sometimes it’s scary.

Scary because I realize I might be feeling this too much for someone who doesn’t feel the same.

Or maybe they do, and I can’t trust it. Or maybe I can’t trust myself.

Love, to me, is messy.

It’s messy, it’s confusing, it’s loud in my head and quiet everywhere else.

And I think that’s why I keep doing it, even when it hurts, even when it doesn’t make sense, even when it’s not perfect.

Because I can’t stop.

I don’t want to stop.